A little about me and my blog

In September 2012 I posted my first blog post on another site.  It was a vehicle for me to say what was inside my head but incognito.  To write poetry about my thoughts, my feelings and fears without the world knowing it was me.

The blog in question was called “Poems, thoughts and ideas from an occasionally confused mind”

I stopped writing the blog and decided recently that I wanted to bring it back.  I would still rather be Penname as opposed to saying who I am, I don’t want anyone who knows me to read my thoughts and worry about me.  Dumping my thoughts in this way helps.  So doing it under a pen name is fine by me.

I have accessed the old blog and whilst some of it may feel divorced from the me of today, I am going to post the majority of its contents here just so as to have all of it in one place, to document where I am, where I have been and where I hope to be headed.

I am about to turn 43 and have come to terms with the fact that I am what I am.  I am an ordinary man with a sometimes over complicated thought process that leads me in to dark times, moments of despair and anxiety that cripple me, but I am also a lucky man with support from people that love me.  For that I am ever thankful.  I hope one or two of my poems strike a chord with someone, that someone can realise they are not alone by reading them.  Or maybe someone will just enjoy reading my journey through my poems, to see the ups and downs.  Whatever it achieves I hope its positive.

I would ask that my poems or thoughts are not reproduced without my permission.  Thanks in advance for respecting this wish.  Images on the blog on the whole have been sourced from Google images.  If I have used your image and in doing so abused your copyright or you simply don’t want the picture used, please contact me and it will be replaced right away.

x  Penname.

Propagated by hate

Originally posted 23rd May 2017

Propagated by hate

 

I woke this morning to a news alert,

yet another atrocity.

But this time the target was kids and teens,

that’s just wrong, it has to be.

 

When will the world we live in,

come to realise how flawed

an ideology based on an eye for an eye is,

And how such points should NEVER be scored.

 

The taking of another’s life,

For me can never be right.

Whether it be as an act of terror,

or a show of military might.

 

One, you see, perpetuates the other,

gives fuel to the appropriate fire.

Attack after attack, it just gets worse,

and the situation becomes dire.

 

Life is precious, a gift, a joy,

and no-one has the right.

To take a life for any reason,

when will this world see the light?

 

Sadly I think it never will,

and greed and power dictate.

That the world will slowly disintegrate

propagated by hate.

and that’s where it paused

I don’t know why but I stopped writing and posting my thoughts, my poetry.  Until 2017.

Quite a break.

In that time I divorced, re-married continued to fight my inner demons and faced some of the most difficult times of my life so far.  And most of that was sadly lost as I no longer sat and wrote about my thoughts.

And then

A concert in Manchester where terror struck in a way we couldn’t have expected as a nation and I found myself drawn to write again.  It is that poem that I posted here as my first entry,  but have now deleted and will post again now to fit correctly in the timeline of my writing.

This entry is like my directors commentary, a linking of things together.  I will try and do this every once in a while.

Thank you for the likes, the follows and the interest shown in my poems so far.

Please feel free to like, comment or make contact if you feel moved to.

Penname.

Life

Originally posted on Friday, 6 December 2013

Life

From the moment we are born
We’re all in a race.
And the prize that we get at the end?
Its to depart this place
To where though? I have No idea.
Heaven, if you believe
Or if you’ve been a bit of a shit
Hell will give you no reprieve.
But if you’re like me and don’t believe
That there’s an almighty god
Then were do we go, what happens to us
When we’re under the sod?
Was there really no point to this whole life?
Is that really the just end?
Do we just simply stop existing
And become a long lost friend?
Life is a terminal disease
Along the course of life there’ll be highs,
And some painfully crushing lows.
There’ll be things you happily tell the world
And other things that no one knows
About yourself, your feelings,
Or about your inner fears.
About the times you sat alone
and shed your private tears
If you’re lucky enough that you were born
Into a life that’s known love and caring
Then this seemingly pointless race to the grave
Can be okay, be good, be worth sharing
Just share it with the one you love
The one who truly makes you smile.
The one who when you need a hug,
Is the first number you dial
This life is short, of that I’m sure
There’s no cure for its obvious goal
So spend as much of it as you possibly can
With the one who makes you a whole.
Because sadly, life is a terminal disease

Sub standard

Originally posted Monday, 2 December 2013

Sub standard

Slightly damaged goods,
Shop soiled.
Not quite as described,
Embroiled
In a world inside his head
Were nothing’s as it seems
Were every waking moment
Feels like a really weird dream
A few cards short of a full deck,
And all of his cards are marked.
Not quite sure what the big plan was
When this life he embarked.
But quite sure that it wasn’t this,
This wasn’t his life’s goal.
To feel that every day is another
Nail right though his soul
At an age where he should be
Quite content with his lot.
He feels the seams are tearing daily
And happy he is not
Medication takes off the edge
And most days that is fine.
And if all else fails there’s oblivion
In a bottle or two of wine.
So is this it? Is this the way
That life is supposed to be?
Or is it just that this is who
I am, is this just me?

A potter without clay

Originally posted on Friday, 22 November 2013

A potter without clay

Just when I have reached a point
At which I’m feeling stable
Life sits me down and yet again
I’m on the wobbly table!
I’m ill, there’s something wrong with me.
My boss would argue though,
Apparently “it’s in my head”
But it’s my body and I know!
I’ve a hernia, that has been confirmed
But that’s not why I’m ill.
There’s something else I’m sure of it
And frankly I’ve had my fill.
In a week where my respect,
For my boss ebbed away,
So in tandem did my mental state
Now I’m the potter with no clay.
I want to be a healthy me
Physically and mentally too
But I can’t help the physical
And the mental issues have staged a coup
Pounced upon my weakness’
My pressures and ill health .
Marched back in to take the throne
Stripping me of mental wealth
The coffers now completely empty,
My resolve stores are all bare.
And there are really few who’ll notice this
Even fewer who will really care.
Sometimes I want to close my eyes
And be gone, be whisked away.
To find a peace and health to boot
Without a massive price to pay.
But I’m average, not a special man
Round every corner there’s one of me.
Replaceable and dispensable
Not remarkable, ordinary.
Trying my best to be just me
And hoping it’s enough
And failing miserably realising,
That life is really tough.
My skin it seems is way too thin
And my body’s laid down arms.
Decided not to defend its self
And my Self esteem self harms!
Tomorrow is another day
I hope it’s better than today.
For now ill sleep, recharge the body
Hope the darkness goes away.
And hope tomorrow dawns with hope
Not dread, despair and tears
I’m ready now if god is listening,
I’ve been waiting nigh on 40 years.

Not my own

Originally posted on Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Not my own

The writing of Patrick MacGill from 1916. Found in the pages of autobiography by Morrissey.

Over the top is cold, matey
You lie on the field alone.
Didn’t I love you of old, matey
Dearer than the blood of my own.
You were my dearest chum, matey
(Gawd! But your face is white)
But now though reliefs have come, matey,
I’m goin’ alone tonight.
I’d sooner the bullet was mine, matey
Goin’ out on my own,
Leaving you ‘ere on the line, matey
All by yourself, alone.
Chum o’ mine and you’re dead, matey
And this is the way we part.
The bullet went through your head, matey
But Gawd! It went through my ‘eart

Clouds in my mind

Originally posted on Thursday, 1 August 2013

Clouds in my mind

The sun comes out

But in my mind the clouds are fully formed
The cold and negative way I feel
Is a place that can’t be warmed
And though I have the support
And love from people who I know care,
Sometimes I can’t blow the clouds away
And the pain is hard to bear
If only I believed in me
The way that others do.
Instead of the self doubt and crippling fear
Traits I have but which I rue
One day it’s just a maybe but,
Ill look in the mirror and see,
A confident man with self belief
Staring right back at me.
For now this mess I call my mind
And all the crap it’s amassed,
I hope will find good weather soon
And the clouds will Have finally passed

Why?

Originally posted on Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Why?

Why is it I only write
when I am feeling down?

It’s never written with a smile
always a grimace or a frown
I’d love to have a creative urge
when hopelessness hadn’t took hold.
and talk about the positives,
and not the negatives in bold

Why do I not talk about
the joy that music brings?
the beauty of a chilly morning
as winter turns to spring
Why do I never just stand still
and take in all of life’s beauty?
instead life is just passing by
it seems to ignore it is my duty.
There are some people in my life
who make me glad to be alive.
When i’m with them life is easy
no need to struggle or to strive
The world with them seems simple
because then it all makes sense.
I only have to be myself,
no front and no pretence
When i feel happy & contented,
Answers I no longer seek
and on to paper my creative juice
just doesn’t want to leak
It doesn’t mean I don’t see the beauty
or appreciate whats good
It just seems I have more to say
when I am spilling blood.
My life compared to many I know
is rich and when i’m dead
most people will not know the pain
and the demons in my head
Those that do, a select few
I trusted enough to tell
I’m sure they didn’t all understand
but they helped me to stay well.
And to those very special ones
who read these lines when I am blue,
know who I am and are always there
I couldn’t function without you
So please my friends don’t be too scared,
if my thoughts seem dark or on the brink.
I write them down to help me cope,
leave them here then I can think.
The creativity I talked about
its more cleansing and it helps me
that’s why I only write when i’m down
I leave things here and i’m free.

Spineless

Originally posted on Friday, 15 March 2013

Spineless

Spineless and
Gutless.
lacking morals altogether

Weak and
Pathetic.
and as a friend lets say fair weather

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Miserable and
Short tempered.
not fun to be around

Depressed and
Erratic.
seldom is a smile on my face found

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Worrying and
Insomnia.
anxiety takes control

Tiredness and
Aggression follow.
they swallow me up whole

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Professional and
In control.
the image I have to show

Falling apart and
Self doubt reign.
each day deals another blow

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Spineless,
Gutless,
Weak and
Pathetic

Miserable,
Short tempered,
Depressed and
Erratic

Worrying,
Insomniac,
Tired and
Aggressive

Professional and
In control, HA,
Falling apart
Self doubting

If only I could reconcile
Why it is I feel this way.
Instead I wake up and feel this way
And dread each miserable day.

Cloak of black

Originally posted on Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Cloak of black

From nowhere down it comes again
That all encompassing cloak of black
It touches everything about me
And, I just can’t hold it back

Sleep again is first to go,
Its the most obvious sign,
And then the mood steadily declines
As the blackness clouds my mind

Ill become a different person again
And it’s him that I despise
As do those who live with me
I can see it in their eyes

My resistance to this cloak of black
In recent times has worn quite thin
To a point where I don’t fight anymore
It’s so much easier to give in

To lay back, let the black take hold
And accept that I am down.
That for a while my smile will be
Replaced with this miserable frown

Acceptance that this is who i am
Not easy to achieve,
But It’s either that or call it a day
And politely take my leave

Quietly slip away and with
The least fuss that I can
Conclude my life, call it a day
Close the book on this sad man